A lot of people don't know I've actually been pregnant 3 times, my 2nd pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 12 weeks 2 days.
I won't say this pregnancy was an accident, but it was sooner then we expected. We had planned to start trying for another child in the fall of 2009, but I got pregnant that summer. I remember having some concerns since it was sooner then we had planned, I hadn't been taking any folic acid though I know many women have healthy pregnancies without taking it before hand. I also had barely any pregnancy symptoms, which did bother me. I know there are women who have no morning sickness at all and give birth to healthy babies, but I had been so sick with daughter, it bothered me that I barely had anything. There was something else though, a feeling deep inside I couldn't shake that something wasn't right. I was sent for a dating ultrasound at about 8 or 9 weeks, and I remember getting teary eyed when I saw the baby on the screen and saw it's little heart beating, I was so grateful everything was ok. It was an odd reaction, I didn't have any history of miscarriage and my pregnancy and labor with daughter had been normal and uncomplicated.
Hubby insisted we wait until I was at least 12 weeks along before we started telling people. Our parents actually knew before that day, but I asked if we could start telling right at 12 weeks. We were going to a wedding that weekend and both my brothers would be there so I wanted to tell them in person. That friday we called his brothers to let them know. Since the wedding was a distance from home, we had booked a room to stay over-night at the resort where the wedding was being held. As we were getting ready, before the ceremony, we saw my brothers and I told them our news, I was too excited to wait. My older brother was a member of the wedding party and at some point that evening he told the bride and groom. We also had some mutual friends there and at one point I was asked when we were planning on having another child and I slyly informed them, "in 6 months". It was a good night and we had a lot of fun and at the end of the evening, hubby and I had a little bit of a celebration of our own. Afterwards, I remember being a bit nervous when I started spotting, though I kept telling myself it was completely normal, a lot of women spot after intercourse.
It was a busy weekend for us, that sunday was the day we picked up our puppy, and by the time we got home sunday evening, I was exhausted. Monday, hubby went back to work and I stayed at home caring for daughter and our new pup. Just before lunch, I went to the bathroom to find I was passing clots, my heart stopped. It was enough that I needed to wear a pad, but not enough that I was soaking through it. I decided to go to the hospital after I had fed daughter and the dog their lunch, and by the time they were done, I was anxious to get going and remember getting frustrated with the puppy when I put her outside and she wouldn't do anything.
The hospital was busy that monday afternoon and since I wasn't cramping or actively bleeding, I ended up waiting 3 hours before I was seen by a dr. It was a stressful 3 hours. Hubby stayed at work since the hospital didn't seem too concerned, and I was left pacing the hospital corridors with a rising stress level and an 18 month old who refused to nap. When I was finally seen, blood was taken to determine my hCG levels, the dr did an internal check and informed me my cervix was closed (a good sign), and I was asked to come back the following afternoon for an ultrasound. By the time my hospital visit was ending, I remember being annoyed that hubby hadn't been there for me, though I was the one who told him in the beginning not to worry about it. He did agree to take the following day off work though to help care for daughter while I had my ultrasound. Overnight, I woke at one point and felt a mild cramping, and as I drifted back to sleep, I knew that wasn't good. I woke in the early hours of the morning to cramping that was similar to period cramping, unable to lay in bed anymore I went downstairs to lay on the couch and ended up finding a channel that played old cartoons I remembered watching when I was a kid, for some reason, this calmed me. Eventually, hubby got up and came looking for me, I told him what I suspected and we started making plans to go to the hospital. Since daughter was still asleep, and I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with this while worrying about a toddler running around a hospital, but also knowing I would need hubby there with me, I told him to call his parents (who were luckily on vacation that week), and ask them to get here as soon as they could (I assumed my own mother was at work at that point and figured my in-laws were a good choice since not only could they care for daughter, but they were good with animals and could properly care for the pup). I showered, attempted to eat something, and left for the hospital by myself, arriving at just after 9am.
I was a mess, the pains were getting stronger and I knew what was happening now and as I sat waiting to see the triage nurse, I couldn't stop myself from crying. I didn't care about the people sitting across from me, or others walking by, my heart was starting to break and I couldn't stop the pain. When I finally went before the triage nurse and she asked me what was wrong, I tried to tell her, but there was no volume to my voice and she had to ask me to repeat myself. The second time, I almost yelled the words in my attempt to get them out, "I think I'm having a miscarriage", I couldn't believe how hard it was to say those words. After responding to her questions, I was asked to wait just a couple more minutes while they cleaned a room for me. I didn't have to wait long before I was in the room, then just a few more minutes before a dr came in to see me. Since everything was happening so fast, they hadn't even had time to get me a gown, so the dr got me one, then gave me a couple more minutes to get changed. As I sat there waiting for him to return, the pain was becoming more intense, though not nearly as bad as the contractions for a full term baby, when I suddenly felt a pop and then felt the gush of fluid. I had felt my water break with daughter, there was no mistaking what had just happened now. I became hysterical, crying so hard I could barely speak. I was in a private room behind a closed door and a little away from the nurses station, I tried calling out for help, but they couldn't hear me and I couldn't yell loud enough since I was crying so hard. I remembered the call button, and when the nurse answered, I told her something had happened and I needed them. Once she came and saw for herself, she rushed away to get a wheelchair and I was moved closer to the nurses station. I was crying so hard I couldn't see. I was placed in a bed and I was surrounded by nurses and the dr. Someone was trying to get an IV into me and I remember a voice saying, it's ok honey, don't be brave, have some pain meds. I agreed, I didn't need to be brave, how could I when my heart was hurting so bad. There were more words, none of which I remember, I barely noticed the faces surrounding me. More blood was drawn and I barely noticed. Eventually I was left alone and then hubby arrived. I don't know what, or if the nurses told him anything, but at one point I looked at him and saw his eyes were red. It was his pain too.
I was told that I would have an ultrasound at 10:30am, but this was just to see what, if anything, had passed, we all already knew what was happening and the dr had already told me my cervix was open. A lot of fluids were being pumped into me through the IV and twice I had to use the restroom to pee. Both times I needed an escort in the form of hubby since they didn't want to risk me collapsing. The 2nd time, as I finished peeing, I felt something large pass, another shock, another punch to the gut. As I turned to look, my eyes were so blurry I could barely see, but I knew, it had happened. As this was happening, there was a knock on the bathroom door, it was the nurse, they had come to get me to take me for my ultrasound. I was crying so hard when hubby opened the door for the nurse. But I remember the frozen looks on their faces. That blank look of shock on hubby's when it first happened, that same look on the nurse's face when she walked up to the toilet and looked down to see what I couldn't and confirm what I knew, the baby had passed. I was led to the stretcher for my trip to ultrasound and for some reason we had to wait a couple minutes before we could go. I'm not sure why we had to wait, I never thought to ask and I really didn't care. As I lay there crying, I felt a hand gently start to stroke my cheek and heard someone murmuring words of comfort, it was the staff member who had come to take me to ultrasound. I never got to tell her, but in that one moment, I did feel comforted and I have never forgotten that small gesture that meant so much to me.
The ultrasound confirmed that the baby had passed and the dr released me to go home, prescribing me some pain killers. He tried offering words of comfort, telling me it was nothing I did, and hubby found comfort in his words, but I didn't. On the way home, we stopped to fill the prescription and to get some lunch, and while hubby picked it up, I decided to try calling my mom at home. She had been off work that day and I told her what had happened. She came up the next day to help us out since I was feeling pretty weak.
In the beginning, I didn't want to talk about, didn't want anyone to even mention it to me, not even an "I'm sorry". I was upset and easily irritated, I only talked about when I felt like talking about it. It's easier for me to talk about now, over 2 years later, but it can still make me cry, even writing this post has me crying. During that time, I ended up on a message board talking to other women who had miscarried, it was easy to talk to them, they had been there, or were going through the same thing. I found that we were alike in many ways. We appreciated the support from our family and friends who knew, but found that many would say things they thought were comforting, but really weren't. Things like, there's a reason this happened, it's just God's plan, or you can try again.
For the record, all we really need to hear is, "I'm sorry", and "I'm here if you need me".
Many of us needed to also honor our little angels in some way. I ended up getting a little memorial stone and an angel for our Christmas tree. Some people didn't understand why we needed to do this (luckily hubby was very supportive) but the thing some don't understand is that no matter when I lost the child, it was still MY baby! I loved it from the moment I knew I was carrying it, and the day I saw it's heart beating on the screen. When I lost it, a piece of my heart went with it, and I still sometimes struggle with the after effects.
This is the first time I've ever fully described what happened to me that day. It was a story I needed to tell, and maybe it'll help someone else understand what we go through. As I write this, I'm thinking of Michelle Duggar who hopefully never saw all the rude and insensitive comments that were being written after she miscarried her 21st pregnancy (for those who don't know, her 1st was also a miscarriage). Maybe if they had read this and had an idea what it's like, they would know that it doesn't matter if it's your 1st, 2nd or 20th pregnancy, when you lose a baby, you lose a small piece of your heart.
